Sarcastic Dieter Pillows

'What would you recommend for a person on a diet?' 'A glass of iced tea and a hefty tip.'

Remember, Mrs. Gottfried, no snacking between diet books.

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

'I'm not sure how you managed to burn a bowl of cereal.'

'I don't want you to give up eating entirely -- just the food part.'

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

'Good evening sir, I hope you haven't been waiting long.'

"It's gotta be a good place – we've been ignored for well over an hour now."

'If that is a toenail, it is a French toenail.'

"I'd recommend this."

'This is the worst wine I've ever tasted--I'll take 20 cases.'

A diet high in cholesterol can be dangerous to your health.

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

Hugo's in a peevish mood today, I'd finish that broccoli if I were you

'It seems the environment people, the health department and the food and drug administration all have reservations about his place.'

"I think I'll just leave a hate tip."

'I like home cooking if it's in someone else's home.'

"I think I'd be better at leading if I could yell louder."

'I'll have a BLT sandwich -- hold the 'B'.'

'You can eat whatever you like on this diet, and here's a list of whatever you like.'

"The name refers to the seating, not the cuisine."

'The chef says that the quail was out but he prepared that little critter he ran over on the motorway which tastes similar and you nouveau riche snobs will never notice the difference anyway.'

'Aside from the cockroach, how was everything?'

'You're problem is you don't think big enough.'

'I couldn't get the beans out of the toaster.'

'I was going to send back this dreadful wine - but then I realized it's the perfect match for your dreadful chicken.'

'The food is disgusting.' 'And such small portions.'

"Yes, we have several specials. But if we offered them to everybody, they wouldn't be special, would they?"

'I'd fire you, but anticipating your next blunder really keeps the company jazzed.'

'Although he can't come to the phone right now, he wouldn't like you to know that your call is of no interest to him.'

"He was only here as a visitor, but collapsed when he saw the car park charges."

'Still it can't be any worse than last year, I never thought we'd have to suffer a 'traditional lacto-vegan' Christmas dinner.'