Sarcastic Health Enthusiasts Gifts

'Cause of death: Acute, sudden dehydration secondary to moisture-wicking undergarments.'

"Daddy, you have to flatten this curve."

HELLth Food Sprouts

"I have to get down to 125 pounds before I go back to my real gym."

"I think the 'Exotic Recipe' diet will make me lose weight. I'm running all over town trying to find the ingredients!"

"He looks so much like his dad."

'GM apples prevent Migraine'

"Thanks to modern medicine, we now have drugs to make any season the season to be jolly."

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

'If only you could do this with a cow once in a week, we'd save a lot of money for the food delivery service, Rupert!'

'I'm not sure how to break this to you all... the Atkins diet is back.'

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

'How could I have missed these? I took a multivitamin.'

"I'm pleased to say our dishes all have too much kale."

'Like it? It's my digital vest, it calculates calories, portions and price per pound!'

'I don't want you to give up eating entirely -- just the food part.'

"Croissants? Donuts? Chocolate? Good price, madame! Good price!"

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

'Yes, yes, yes, now seriously, what can we do to improve our health?'

Follow England mate, they're always crap!

'When I die could you preserve my liver for medical research? You've done that already.'

Eskimo to one with huge whale: 'You're sure it's all good cholesterol?'

"GP or chemist? To be on the safe side let's go to A and E."

"To play it safe, I still take one aspirin every other day."

Stay away from Pigs.

"So if I need to stop smoking and lose weight..what are you going to do about it?"

"You should have purchased the extended warranty."

'Medical researcher have isolated the gene that makes us want to discuss our ailments with anyone we meet.'

'Your diet is so bad that your arteries are all blocked, but the angioplasty should open things up and get the maple syrup flowing again.'

Married people live longer

God: 'Man has dominion over fish...beasts...and germs have dominion over man.'

"Sorry about the long wait, but good news. Other than long waits in waiting rooms, I can't find any other causes for your irritability."

My doctor recommended exercise to slim down and orange juice for the vitamins. A weight and C approach!

"Nice try, buy candy corn is not a vegetable."

"I think that form '10,000' steps may have been 9,999 too many!"