Health Fanatic's Horror Gifts

HELLth Food Sprouts

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

"Migration ruins my 10,000 steps."

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

'The vegetables sat in the crisper for hours...days...a whole week. Then suddenly, the drawer opened. A hand reached in, grabbed the kale, and all you could hear was the sound of...A Garbage disposal.'

Healthy living has added years to Melvin's life.

Valleyview diet clinic

'Be careful...It may not be organic.'

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

'Id like to see you in two weeks. Try not to eat during that time.'

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

"I think it says 'courgettes'."

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

"I'm pleased to say our dishes all have too much kale."

I'll take this one here.

'Hundreds of years of medical progress, and all you can tell me to do is eat less?'

Tommy John Surgery.

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."

'Coins, when swallowed, cause cancer. Perhaps money should be banned.'

"I'm not saying you have to give them up entirely, but you need to eat your young in moderation."

"To play it safe, I still take one aspirin every other day."

Cook for 3 minutes stir, wait 30 years to discover if the contaminated ingredient gives you stomach cancer.

'Can I trust a Doctor whose prescriptions have absolutely no side effects?'

'It's radical but it just might work!'

Too Much SOY

Man passes a storefront that reads "Napland - Tired? Come on in and lie down for awhile!"

"No wonder he's so skinny - he eats like a bird."

Dr. Nutrition, would you say our tuna sandwiches could prevent hair loss? Dr. Nutrition. Given how furry you are, I'll take that as a yes. I will tell our customers the great news. I really appreciate your input, Dr. Nutrition. You are a valued scientific authority. The key to a successful scam is maintaining the pretense at all times.

It's not a tongue depressor, it's a used popsicle stick. If you can name the flavor, your taste buds pass the test.

"They harvest our noses then liquify them and drink the juice. They believe it gives them special powers called 'antioxidants'."