Sarcastic Health Enthusiasts Pillows

'Cause of death: Acute, sudden dehydration secondary to moisture-wicking undergarments.'

"Daddy, you have to flatten this curve."

HELLth Food Sprouts

"I have to get down to 125 pounds before I go back to my real gym."

"I think the 'Exotic Recipe' diet will make me lose weight. I'm running all over town trying to find the ingredients!"

"Thanks to modern medicine, we now have drugs to make any season the season to be jolly."

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

"He looks so much like his dad."

'GM apples prevent Migraine'

'If only you could do this with a cow once in a week, we'd save a lot of money for the food delivery service, Rupert!'

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

'How could I have missed these? I took a multivitamin.'

"I'm pleased to say our dishes all have too much kale."

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

'Like it? It's my digital vest, it calculates calories, portions and price per pound!'

'I don't want you to give up eating entirely -- just the food part.'

"Croissants? Donuts? Chocolate? Good price, madame! Good price!"

'Yes, yes, yes, now seriously, what can we do to improve our health?'

Eskimo to one with huge whale: 'You're sure it's all good cholesterol?'

"To play it safe, I still take one aspirin every other day."

'When I die could you preserve my liver for medical research? You've done that already.'

Stay away from Pigs.

"GP or chemist? To be on the safe side let's go to A and E."

Follow England mate, they're always crap!

"So if I need to stop smoking and lose weight..what are you going to do about it?"

"You should have purchased the extended warranty."

'Your diet is so bad that your arteries are all blocked, but the angioplasty should open things up and get the maple syrup flowing again.'

'Medical researcher have isolated the gene that makes us want to discuss our ailments with anyone we meet.'

Anti-natal clinic - If you don't want to be pregnant.

God: 'Man has dominion over fish...beasts...and germs have dominion over man.'

Married people live longer

"I'm not sure our family's ready for kombucha, hon."

"I think that form '10,000' steps may have been 9,999 too many!"

"Nice try, buy candy corn is not a vegetable."