Sarcastic Health Guru Pillows

"My theory is that alcohol and gluten, if taken together, will reduce fat and build muscle."

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Redhead

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

'Took calcium supplements for years without paying for them.'

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

'He lost his whistle,'

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

'You can't call it a miracle drug just because you added miracle whip!'

'First of all, I'm taking you off the iron supplements.'

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

'Your diet is so bad that your arteries are all blocked, but the angioplasty should open things up and get the maple syrup flowing again.'

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

"The end of my patience is near!"

Witch making a brew with Gluten, Nuts, Trans Fats, BGH, GMOs...

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."

Energy Drinks

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

'Another upsetting discovery from the world of nutrition: New studies indicate that the air itself is fattening...'

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

"Mine has a terrible battery life."