Sarcastic Health Guru Pillows

"My theory is that alcohol and gluten, if taken together, will reduce fat and build muscle."

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

Exciting potato bugs.

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Redhead

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'Took calcium supplements for years without paying for them.'

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

'He lost his whistle,'

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

'You can't call it a miracle drug just because you added miracle whip!'

'First of all, I'm taking you off the iron supplements.'

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

'Your diet is so bad that your arteries are all blocked, but the angioplasty should open things up and get the maple syrup flowing again.'

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

"The end of my patience is near!"

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

'Another upsetting discovery from the world of nutrition: New studies indicate that the air itself is fattening...'

Witch making a brew with Gluten, Nuts, Trans Fats, BGH, GMOs...

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."

"Mine has a terrible battery life."

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."

Energy Drinks

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"