Mischievous Health Guru Pillows

'Took calcium supplements for years without paying for them.'

"Do you guys serve beer?"

'He's fine, it's only man flu not swine flu.'

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

"You were smart to come see, Mr. Lewis. These moles on your back definitely look suspicious."

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

Man passes Holistic Health Clinic and sees Holistic Donuts.

It's not a tongue depressor, it's a used popsicle stick. If you can name the flavor, your taste buds pass the test.

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

'I'm worried about my brother, doctor!'

'With the added weight on their chests, donors can give a pint of blood at a time.'

"Of course our products are absolutely safe!

'I don't care what anyone says! This is really hard work!'

"Odd - you have bad cholesterol, good cholesterol, and some cholesterol that wonders why everyone can't just get along."

'You can eat whatever you like on this diet, and here's a list of whatever you like.'

Doctor to man: 'Don't kid yourself. You don't have athlete's foot - more like couch potato's corns.'

"Putting a steak, chicken wings and potato chips on a salad kind of negates the eating healthy concept."

"Mr. Bermudez passed out and hit his head, but that'll heal."

"This, of course, is a medium strength medication."

"I want to have a relationship, but can't figure out what to do to make myself an attractive date. Should I defat, skim, try ultrafiltration lactose reduction?"

The Evolution Of Obesity.

"She may have an incredible body, but we have incredible ice cream."

Patient to pharmacist: 'So, is it contagious?'

'Great, more trans-fats and cholesterol!'

'He'll eat green vegetables... but only with chocolate syrup on them.'

'Do red sweaters have that carcinogenic red dye #2 in them?'

"My theory is that alcohol and gluten, if taken together, will reduce fat and build muscle."

"It's a warning from the American Hypochondriacs Association -- you've been overprescribing placebos."

"Crunch gym"

"I think you need to cut down on the coffee you drink."

Strict Diet,

"Tomorrow night let's switch back to gin."

'We thank you for this food, but we wish you gave us enough sense to avoid all this cholesterol, salt and all these additives.'

The Cancer Risk of Processed Meat

'Henry, there are two schools of thought about your illness: The New England Journal of Medicine school and the National Enquirer.'