Sarcastic Home Guru Pillows

'It's easy to remember - if it's steam she's ironing and if it's thick black smoke she's cooking.'

Do it yourself books.

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Exciting potato bugs.

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

Redhead

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'I'm not sure how you managed to burn a bowl of cereal.'

Beware of the Lawn

'I'm sorry, but there's nothing in the zoning regulations covering bad taste.'

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

Home Maintenance - Decorating.

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

'No, we did not order a corner unit.'

'He lost his whistle,'

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

All items on the premises have been marked for identification: 'My cat sprayed everything in the house.'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

The canteen food's pretty awful...

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"My home insurance has dropped since I had it installed."

'Nice decorating. I like the clothes and toys everywhere...and the half eaten sandwich really ties it all together!'

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'