Health Sarcasm Lover Pillows

'Your diet is so bad that your arteries are all blocked, but the angioplasty should open things up and get the maple syrup flowing again.'

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

The Snarky District

'Someday TVs will be in big boxes on the floor.'

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"My tariffs will move the world in a new direction!!"

Hello, my name is riskyy@ronny5 and I am addicted to comments boards.

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

'We were thinking of naming him after his daddy, but I don't really like the name, Old slap head.'

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"I love these old decorations!"

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'You seem rather ungrateful Mr. Jenkins. This new drug means you'll never have hayfever again.'

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

Gary misread the new policy on 'Free Thinking' in the work place.

"I've added an additional response to the doc's health questionnaire. It's called 'Mind Your Own Business.'"