Medical Sarcasm Enthusiast Pillows

"I've added an additional response to the doc's health questionnaire. It's called 'Mind Your Own Business.'"

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Lactose Intolerant

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Virtual Doctor

'Hello, I'm Dr. Frank Stein and this is my anaesthetist, Dr. Ivan Gore. We'll be doing your hernia operation tomorrow.'

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

Happy Birthday to you.

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

Saline Drip Sommelier.

'We'll need to run some preliminary tests to see if you're healthy enough for more invasive follow-up tests.'

'Time for your pills.'

"She keeps getting a stitch in her side."

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

'There is a drug for Hypochondria... but the side-effects may actually make you sick!'

'The doctor will acknowlege your existance now.'

'Oh, well... Accidents will happen.'

"Tut tut. You're only having a baby, if you had my flu last week you'd know what real pain was."

'No, I don't think it a cute idea! Get rid of him and turn in your supervisor's uniform!'

"Gross."

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

"We've combine the recovery area with the gift shop... just in case your visitors want to pick up a little souvenir."

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."