Medical Satire Fanatic Pillows

'Sorry, Professor, that's not the kind of specimen the doctor wants.'

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Lactose Intolerant

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Virtual Doctor

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

Saline Drip Sommelier.

'No, I don't think it a cute idea! Get rid of him and turn in your supervisor's uniform!'

'There is a drug for Hypochondria... but the side-effects may actually make you sick!'

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

"We've combine the recovery area with the gift shop... just in case your visitors want to pick up a little souvenir."

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."

'Oh, well... Accidents will happen.'

'Your cat scan looks fine, your pet scan looks fine, your MRI looks fine, but your insurance reimbursement doesn't look fine.'

"According to your brain scan, you just don't want to go back to work."

"I feel your pain level."

'I'm afraid it's bad news Mr.Hooper, I've just got the report on your finances.'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

While you're at it, will you sew on my shirt button please?

"Assisting me with this delicate procedure is Dr. Warren. He's one of the top specialists in avoiding malpractice suits."

Heimlich maneuver, Gastric bypass surgery, Liver transplant.

"I'd have been here sooner if it hadn't been for early detection."

"The colonoscopy isn't your eternal punishment...the prep is."

"Does it hurt when my attorney does this?"

Dr. Flagg's Worst Nightmare