Medical Satire Pillows

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

'The NHS wants patients to make more decisions about their treatment...so here's your blood tests and a prescription pad, I'll be back later.'

"I looked up my symptoms on the internet and found out that I'm DEAD and it's YOUR FAULT!"

"We still don't have a diagnosis for your rash, so we're going to run some more money on it and see what happens."

'I want a second opinion. What does your wife think?'

45% of GPs Ignore Nice Hypertension Guide.

'20% of medical opinion may change every five years...but it won't be the 20% that says smoking 20 a day and being 5 stone overweight is bad for you!'

Hoping to compete with the Mayo Clinic: Miracle Whip Medical Clinic

"We've got to get this patient stabilized! Let's get him into the freezer!"

Cure for brainwashing & sinus infection.

'Kitchen! Chicken Bone! Hurry!!' - Rent-A-Surgeon

'So how did you manage to get your saline replaced with lager?'

While you're at it, will you sew on my shirt button please?

In a hospital "Along the corridor, second on the left....then follow the blood.

'It's worse than hot air, Mrs. Rollins. You're also full of hooey and malarky.'

"If you enjoyed heart surgery you might also enjoy major bowel surgery."

"There is some evidence that moderate drinking CAN be beneficial to health. . . But the advantages don't last past the first two bottles."

"I've no idea where they are - maybe they're all ill."

'I phoned the group practice about my chest pains and they all came round.'

"...and this one keeps my flatulence under control."

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

Swine Flu Party: Do help yourself to the HN51 and there's some avian in the fridge.

Hospital - Special this week with every op...free arm fitted at no extra charge!

"Will I be able to carry on not doing any exercise?"

"I don't need to check your chart! The best time for you to have surgery is right now!"

'He's got to fight, he has to want to get well. Tell him his bonus has been reinstated.'

'Well, good morning Mr. Daniel, have a seat in our waiting room.'

Self-Service Dentist

"How often do you have this pre existing condition?"

"You're in luck. I've had great success with eggplant."

"This is just a placebo cast, but it makes a lot of people feel better."

"More ashtray, nurse! For God's sake, more ashtray!"