Medical Sarcasm Enthusiast Gifts

"I've added an additional response to the doc's health questionnaire. It's called 'Mind Your Own Business.'"

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Lactose Intolerant

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Virtual Doctor

'Hello, I'm Dr. Frank Stein and this is my anaesthetist, Dr. Ivan Gore. We'll be doing your hernia operation tomorrow.'

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

Happy Birthday to you.

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

Saline Drip Sommelier.

'We'll need to run some preliminary tests to see if you're healthy enough for more invasive follow-up tests.'

'The doctor will acknowlege your existance now.'

'There is a drug for Hypochondria... but the side-effects may actually make you sick!'

Operating Room Humor. Why are anesthesiologists assumed to be honest? Because numb-ers don't lie!

"Gross."

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."

"She keeps getting a stitch in her side."

'Time for your pills.'

'Long shift?'

'No, I don't think it a cute idea! Get rid of him and turn in your supervisor's uniform!'

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

"Tut tut. You're only having a baby, if you had my flu last week you'd know what real pain was."

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."