Surgical Sarcasm Pillows

'Veins...arteries...I told you I can never tell one from another.'

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

Another day at work would be one too many...

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"We're at the top of the food chain and rulers of all we survey. What could possibly go wrong?"

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

Do it yourself books.

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"It's good to know she was butchered for a noble cause."

'Oh no, it's the Burkes! You stall them here while I go fix my hair and don't let them roam around. Remember, once you have cockroaches in your kitchen, you'll never get rid of them.'

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Czarcasm

The Snarky District

'I imagine you'll be asking for a full refund.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Pharaoh Cocoon

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

Exciting potato bugs.

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”