Surgical Sarcasm Pillows

'Veins...arteries...I told you I can never tell one from another.'

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

Another day at work would be one too many...

"We're at the top of the food chain and rulers of all we survey. What could possibly go wrong?"

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

Do it yourself books.

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

Czarcasm

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

The Snarky District

'Oh no, it's the Burkes! You stall them here while I go fix my hair and don't let them roam around. Remember, once you have cockroaches in your kitchen, you'll never get rid of them.'

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'I imagine you'll be asking for a full refund.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Pharaoh Cocoon

Walk or don't. You're a grown man. Make your own decisions.

"You call this sweating bullets over the Jackson account? What caliber?"

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'