Sales Satire Lovers Gifts

"Faked by a snake selling rakes."

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

Lethal Presentation

"We have an acronym!"

'Pssst! Straighten up, here come the bigwigs.'

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

'Bit of a staffing problem, Boss. We haven't got any left.'

Personally, I was hoping for more from the intermediary process.'

'Before we starnt, has everyone shed their moral baggage?'

'I'm surprised you like being your own boss. I am your boss and I hate it.'

"On a positive note, he's not our boss. He's the guy who stole our boss's identity."

'I think it is our duty to fully-experience the excess profits.'

"When we changed the company name, the stocks went through the roof!"

"A few years ago, you management gurus told us to downsize until the halls echoed..."

"After an extensive analysis of your company's strengths and weaknesses our recommendation is to give us more money."

It come's to my attention that you have been doing the work of two men.

"I haven't the slightest idea who he is. He came bundled with the software."

"Thank you, Harris - I get the picture."

"To make things more democratic, I've decided to introduce a round-table policy."

"Unlike other companies, we are going to take the high road through this rough time, even if, at some point, we're obliged to raid the employee pension fund! Is everybody clear on that?"

"Ladies, gentlemen, come in and take a seat. I've decided to take this corporation in an entirely new direction."

"Hey team, meet our new V.P. of acquisitions and mergers." (businessman introducing a vicking, barbarian)

"My rise in the company was solely based on convincing management that I was a nerd in high school."

"And then, like an idiot, I turned to the boss and said 'Maybe the stock market isn't the only thing that's been overvalued!'"

'They say money can't buy happiness. Find out what can.'

"Anything goes today: I want this to be a free and open discussion of my entrenched positions."

'It's okay if don't want to give us control of your company. We're perfectly capable of living with incredible disappointment.'

"Well so much for our policy of putting the customer second!"

'Sorry, folks! The CEO and Board of Directors didn't show up.'