Sales Satirist Gifts

"Thank you, Harris - I get the picture."

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

'Shhhh. Fido inherited seventy percent of this company.'

'We're here to carbon date your company's carbon footprint.'

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

'You really want that promotion, don't you, Sherman?'

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

'We're going to need to find a scapegoat.'

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

"We're all just a number here, Finch, and fortunately my number is one."

Parade of Businessmen

Businessman with in and out boxes marked: 'Hocus' and 'Pocus'

'Before we start, shall we go round the table, and each share our name and a horrible dark secret from our past.'

"In a further effort to increase profits, control costs and satisfy shareholders, we've decided to steal stuff."

'Pretty strange term, market share, considering the whole object is not to.'

'Say, our stress control seminar worked! Our sales are way down...but so what if they are.'

Stock market investment advice

'The massive arrests have made the plans for downsizing much easier.'

"No, I'm not really a CEO. I just like to keep up with the Joneses."

Pin the blame on the donkey.

'Don't bother cleaning out your desk. We'll be hiring you back as a consultant for half the salary and no benefits.'

"Meanwhile, obsessing about productivity is way up."

'This prediction has a margin of error of plus or minus fifteen...fifteen class-action suits brought against the company.'

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

"At First Infidelity we're all about integrity...."

"Openness and transparency are a big part of our corporate mythos."

"It is what it is."

"This is what we call a 'customer', or more accurately a 'potential profit centre.'"

"If you really want to get ahead you'll need to stop licking your own butt and start licking mine."

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

"You're quitting? You're walking out?? Couldn't you have at least waited until I finished outsourcing the company??!"

'Our strategy is perfect! This is the customers' fault - they don't think the way WE do!'