Marketing Satirist Gifts

'It's not a sale. It's a threat.'

"This looks good."

Hostess Fruit Pie

TV dinners: Standard Widescreen

Cold caller.

'The movie doesn't scare me - the commercials do.'

"You want the generic placebo or the brand name?"

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

Boss's Desk Says No!

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

'Shhhh. Fido inherited seventy percent of this company.'

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

'We're here to carbon date your company's carbon footprint.'

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

'You really want that promotion, don't you, Sherman?'

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

Born In Captivity.

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

BBC - Crisis Management, Damage Control and Liability Supervision.

"Leadership is all about knowing who to delegate responsibility for all your mistakes."

Another day at work would be one too many...

'Being offshored isn't exactly what I expected.'

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

'Do you want to tell them their department is being downsized again, or should I?'