Branding Satirist Gifts

"It lost a little something in translation."

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'I should not that the cherry and whipped cream were an afterthought created by our graphics dept.'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

Boss's Desk Says No!

'Shhhh. Fido inherited seventy percent of this company.'

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

'We're here to carbon date your company's carbon footprint.'

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

'You really want that promotion, don't you, Sherman?'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

Another day at work would be one too many...

Born In Captivity.

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

'Being offshored isn't exactly what I expected.'

BBC - Crisis Management, Damage Control and Liability Supervision.

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

'Do you want to tell them their department is being downsized again, or should I?'

'That large, rolled up newspaper is a reminder - mess up in this office and you'll pay the price.'

'And as my chart clearly shows, I don't know anything.'

"You can all unroll yourselves now. We're heading back up."

'Instead of a raise, Yomp, you may call me 'Chief', instead of Mr Staghorn.'

"Tell the vice presidents they've downsized enough."

Businessman with in and out boxes marked: 'Hocus' and 'Pocus'

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"