Sacristan Gifts

Priest

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'Caesar salad?'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

I clawed my way to the top and all they gave me at the end was a manicure.

Mitch learns he is not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

'Wow! - Your diary is even more boring than MY diary!'

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

'It will cure every ailment known to man, the only side effect is, you'll choke to death trying to swallow it.'

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

"I'm not whining."

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

"Armstrong, why do we have Fourth of July decorations up? It's months away." "Exactly." "A true patriot loves his country regardless of the date." "A true patriot celebrates the founding of our corporatocracy every single day of the year, minion." "Some of the decorations are smeared with coffee grounds and banana peels." "A true patriot knows that one cafe's dumpster is another cafe's treasure."

"Bird of paradise, my ass."