Rule-breaking Humorist Gifts

'I've been here so long I don't remember what I did, but it had something to do with non-compliance.'

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

'Who stuck corks on all the cursors?'

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

'If they don't laugh, we'll say it's art.'

"I'll let you ticket this one, Mick."

'Cannibalism has always repulsed me - until i tasted Aunty Judy's knees'

New Belief Systems

Stop! Mad cows are forbidden to cross the border!

'Sorry kid, but rules are rules!'

'Thanks to Obama the Nobel Prize has lost much of its prestige. This is the third time I got one in my surprise meal this week.'

"Are you wearing a sports bra?"

Cloud 10.

No Smoking Building.

'Wish I had taken the HIGH road!'

Man stealing a speed camera.

Desert crawler sees 'No Crawling' sign.

'You're cheating on me? How can you be so heartless?!'

'I knew we shouldn't have parked here - they booted us!'

'Ronnie has never stopped at amber.'

'Gesundheit!'

Ivanka's Latest

'How about this one? †'Everybody has to wear plaid socks on Tuesdays.''

Police officer to conman: 'You're only allowed to keep striped bass.'

'Tch, it's gone in this sandpit. I'll throw it onto the grass.'

'And then the jury decided that I was ready for a long term relationship with the penal code system.'

'How about instead of the $383,000 I owe you in back taxes, I give you some free advertising space on my web site?'

The Hand Puppet's Dinner

"There better not be anything in there about the lust of food."

"If they want everyone to do 60, the should have set the speed limit at 30."

Traffic warden tied to a lamp post with double yellow lines.

"You heard me—turn off that fan."

"You, sir, should be grateful to find a hair in your soup."

'What's the idea of telling everyone I cheat at tennis?' - 'Sorry, I didn't know it was a secret.'