Trailblazing Jokester Gifts

'Wish I had taken the HIGH road!'

Cow Blue Arrows

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

Boy throws a stick for a tortoise. By the time the tortoise returns, the boy is an old man.

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

'They come down here to smoke.'

"So how does New York stack up against Uzbekistan?"

'And that one painted and forgot to close the curtains.'

Dentists who do appendectomies.

"If we were really best friends, you would be fetching my slippers once in awhile."

'If Michelangelo Was a Cartoonist.'

Pantomimes Are Lousy Painters. . .

'It's just a bit of pond weed tied to my bottom but it makes me feel so much younger!'

'Question number one: Does your wife ask you questions from women's magazines?'

"He can't be very good, look at his face."

'I told you to pick me up around the corner.'

"We can't afford to be late. If you can't find your cuff links, use the nipple clamps mother gave you for xmas."

'Are we painting their Birthday Suits?'

Artist

'I've been here so long I don't remember what I did, but it had something to do with non-compliance.'

Post-It Traumatic Stress Disorder

"...I'd say your health was way below the poverty line!"

"Shady Godiva"

"It's a shame that politics has entered crime, isn't it?"

'Let's play house. You can be my ex-husband.'

"You heard me—turn off that fan."