Romantic Relationship Dynamics Gifts

'No daughter of mine is marrying a good-for-nothing banker.'

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

"Remember that time you tried to kill me?"

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

I really think I can handle this date on my own. Lemme ask you something. Would you trust me alone with a ybot 340? An Xbox 360? They changed the name? Okay. But you cannot hit on my date. I'm only here to help.

"The TV remote? So, I decide what we watch tonight?"

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

'Men order. . . women shop.'

Andy Oxidant meets Free Radical.

'I'm sick and tired of your mood swings, Frank!'

"My wife has always encouraged me... ...to quit this stupid dream and get a real job." ... "You have a wife?"

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

"What's so wrong with always living in the present?"

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

Awkward First Dates

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

'Oh, we don't keep score in our marriage, Dr. Downs, but if we did, I'd be winning 212 to 137.'

Monogamy

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"I thought we agreed that the dining room was a buffer zone."

"We met the old fashioned way – online, in a chat room."

"Steak, Richard, is just grown up veal."

'Do you take this annoying woman to be your lawful wedded wife?'

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

Still Lives: 'What's wrong, don't you love me anymore?'

"No, I'm not building a raft. I'm building a double bed!"

"Did you honestly expect our couples therapist to know when Jacoby Ellsbury will be off the disabled list?!"

'We've entered the 'password sharing' phase of our relationship!'

'But you have your own drawer - what greater display of commitment could you want?'

“I don’t mind doing the dishes every night—it gives me time to deepen my resentment.”

'Tell me father, why do only 10% of women go to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be hell.'

"Well, it's another brand-new day. What do you say to getting up and looking the damn thing straight in the eye?"

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."