Couples Dynamic Gifts

This is the first time you've put up wallpaper isn't it ?

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

"Remember that time you tried to kill me?"

"The TV remote? So, I decide what we watch tonight?"

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

'Men order. . . women shop.'

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

"What's so wrong with always living in the present?"

"My wife has always encouraged me... ...to quit this stupid dream and get a real job." ... "You have a wife?"

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

Awkward First Dates

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

'Oh, we don't keep score in our marriage, Dr. Downs, but if we did, I'd be winning 212 to 137.'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"Steak, Richard, is just grown up veal."

"I thought we agreed that the dining room was a buffer zone."

"Did you honestly expect our couples therapist to know when Jacoby Ellsbury will be off the disabled list?!"

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

"The blow drier is broken."

Monogamy

'Do you take this annoying woman to be your lawful wedded wife?'

“I don’t mind doing the dishes every night—it gives me time to deepen my resentment.”

'Tell me father, why do only 10% of women go to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be hell.'

"The defense rests."

"He's all mine. Life is good."

"Mort, I'm writing a case study about two diametrically opposed archetypes of your generation. Archetype number one: a bold, debonaire male... The type that suffered no fools, lived life to the fullest, and pursued romance with tough, smart 'dames' who kept him on his toes. And then there's archetype number two: weak, insecure, afraid of life, and dominated by overbearing romantic partners who brought him to his knees. Ok. I'll participate. Who'd you find for archetype #2? You might want to

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

"Well, it's another brand-new day. What do you say to getting up and looking the damn thing straight in the eye?"

"Wait ... I always thought taking each other for granted was a good thing!"

"You call that worrying?"