Relationship Dynamics Lover Gifts

"It's not fair, you only take me out when you know I'm dieting!"

"As long as you're getting all religious you can start worshipping me."

"Being an estate agent, I should have know you'd exaggerate everthing!"

"I can't get around the house like I used to"

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

"Remember that time you tried to kill me?"

I really think I can handle this date on my own. Lemme ask you something. Would you trust me alone with a ybot 340? An Xbox 360? They changed the name? Okay. But you cannot hit on my date. I'm only here to help.

"The TV remote? So, I decide what we watch tonight?"

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

'Men order. . . women shop.'

Andy Oxidant meets Free Radical.

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

"That’s ridiculous! What makes you think you were adopted?"

Bee to othe: 'You knew I was a workaholic when we first met.'

'Charles, you're carrying this 'king of the castle' business too far!'

"My wife has always encouraged me... ...to quit this stupid dream and get a real job." ... "You have a wife?"

"What's so wrong with always living in the present?"

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

Awkward First Dates

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

'We met through a radiocarbon dating service.'

"Did you honestly expect our couples therapist to know when Jacoby Ellsbury will be off the disabled list?!"

'Do you take this annoying woman to be your lawful wedded wife?'

Monogamy

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"I thought we agreed that the dining room was a buffer zone."

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

"Steak, Richard, is just grown up veal."

"When I take your arm Charlene, there's no need to flex."

'But you have your own drawer - what greater display of commitment could you want?'

“I don’t mind doing the dishes every night—it gives me time to deepen my resentment.”

'Tell me father, why do only 10% of women go to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be hell.'

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

"Well, it's another brand-new day. What do you say to getting up and looking the damn thing straight in the eye?"