Romantic Relationship Dynamics Pillows

'No daughter of mine is marrying a good-for-nothing banker.'

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

"Remember that time you tried to kill me?"

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"The TV remote? So, I decide what we watch tonight?"

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

'Men order. . . women shop.'

Andy Oxidant meets Free Radical.

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

"My wife has always encouraged me... ...to quit this stupid dream and get a real job." ... "You have a wife?"

"What's so wrong with always living in the present?"

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

Awkward First Dates

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

'Oh, we don't keep score in our marriage, Dr. Downs, but if we did, I'd be winning 212 to 137.'

"No, I'm not building a raft. I'm building a double bed!"

"Steak, Richard, is just grown up veal."

"I thought we agreed that the dining room was a buffer zone."

"We met the old fashioned way – online, in a chat room."

"Did you honestly expect our couples therapist to know when Jacoby Ellsbury will be off the disabled list?!"

'Do you take this annoying woman to be your lawful wedded wife?'

Monogamy

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

Still Lives: 'What's wrong, don't you love me anymore?'

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

'We've entered the 'password sharing' phase of our relationship!'

“I don’t mind doing the dishes every night—it gives me time to deepen my resentment.”

'Tell me father, why do only 10% of women go to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be hell.'

"Trust me, Brad, those comedy sound effects aren't a reflection of how this is going."

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"Well, it's another brand-new day. What do you say to getting up and looking the damn thing straight in the eye?"