Rollin' Humor Gifts

101 uses of a dead cat: rollerskates

"His first out-of-body experience."

'You're one of my kids? Really? I'm so sorry, I have so many it's hard to remember them all...'

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

Fat Kid 14- Gets re-animated

"Lost most of my sight, hearing, teeth and hair. Thank God I still god my driver license."

"So tell me, Wallace. Has someone gobbled up my Viagra again?" "No. Wait. I thought they were delicious candy mints!"

Hitchcock's The Birds

"But you said I should serve our guests the can of peas!"

"Which one of my fiendish offspring defaced the bordelaise recipe with SpongeBob?"

'Shh, let me do the talking.'

'You're making a marble cake? Did you run out of eggs?'

Adult Absence Notes.

Dad... this 'Book' thingy - where do you plug it in?

"One day you'll thank me for embarrassing you in front of the entire Internet."

'I'm balancing the books...you are out'

'Daddy-if we didn't have Mummy how would you know how to drive?'

'The reason I'm paid fifty times more is because I think I'm worth it.'

'Sweetheart, It's time you knew... Your father isn't a real wildlife biologist.'

"I didn't say he was housebroken. I said he broke up the house."

Dad said that if he's paying for the wedding, he's entitled to a little something.

"Well, if you've got 'nothing to wear' why am I constantly doing laundry?"

"Yeah, I'm a Roadrunner, but it is easier on my feet and joints if I run on the grass..."

'I don't like the look of yours...'

"I was quite pleased to find a job which allows me to see more of my husband."

'I told you, never utter that four letter work - 'walk!''

Guess what Daddy, Gerald plays hockey!

"I'm not a kid anymore, mom. I can hit myself in the face with a pie by myself."

'3 hamburgers, 2 servings of fries, 1 vanilla shake...'

'Next!'