Retirement Planner With A Twist Gifts

"I'll be okay when I retire. I'm maxing out my 401(K), stepping up my IRA contributions, and three times a year I bury two duffle bags filled with unmarked bills in my backyard."

No we don't have a retirement plan, but we give you time off to buy lottery tickets...

'I realize this might be carping but I never did live long enough to enjoy my IRA account.'

"Remember, son, it's never too early to start saving for retirement."

"I've decided to step down as CEO so I can spend more time with my money."

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"When the company announced that they're gonna move our retirement accounts down to Mexico, I was like '401 Que Pasa?'"

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

"People are looking for stability in pension arrangements..."

Clancy Strip: Money and Beer

"Good news, honey - seventy is the new fifty."

'I can explain the Theory of Relativity, but I can't figure out which is the best Medicare Plan.'

'We're a non-profit organisation. We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.'

401K

'Why do I get the impression that my 401(k) isn't performing well.'

'Gen-Xers in their retirement years.'

'I want to give my children all the things I never had. Then move in with them.'

You're fortunate to have reached your Golden Years. You want the Golden Handcuffs or Golden Parachute?

Getting to the ER saved my life...early retirement.

"Oh yes, we expect to replace you very soon. After all, the qualifications for the job aren't much."

"It only made sense for us to finally merge."

"Wait! Stop! He changed his mind."

'I figure that if I sell just one, I can retire.'

RRSP once stood for Registered Retirement Savings Plan, now stands for Really, Really Small Potatoes!

'It's a demonstration by retired CEOs who refuse to give up their bonuses.'

"I'm now too old to produce milk, and I can't afford to retire as yet, so I've had to diversify..."

Frosty, the Golden Years

Your friends pooled their retirements to buy you some super sex. I'll take the soup! Hey, I like soup.

"I was forced into early retirement. Is that even legal?"

'When bad 401ks happen to good people'

Passing the Pension Time Bomb

'Jeez! I never realized just sitting and trying not to look stupid was so exhausting.'

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

"Can't imagine retiring. It's bad enough being semi-retired."

Do not resuscitate.