Retirement Planner Gifts

'Run! 73 million baby boomers are about to retire!'

"Good news, honey - seventy is the new fifty."

"The good news is thet a number of GPs have agree to take action on a number of dangerous 'lifestyle' issues..." "And the bad news?..." "They've decided the best way to reduce their risk is by retiring!"

'I'm afraid we've had the results back and it's bad news...he could live to be a hundred.'

"Do you have a get better soon card for someone's retirement investment?"

'You know, you're a very expensive employee because we have to contribute to nine retirement and life insurance plans for you.'

'No offense, but you guys with your nine lives really blew the pension fund!'

"Early retirement is an OK long-term goal, Kevin, but most folks need to get a job first."

Private pension scheme not expected to do as well as originally anticipated - please help!

Company Share Price - "That was when the stock market heard you were retiring, sir."

'How dare you mention long-term bonds to me, young man!'

"This morning, I looked into the mirror and said to myself, 'Bruce, you're a billionaire. It's time to stop horsing around and enjoy life a little.' "

"When they said there was a substantial penalty fro early withdrawl, they weren't kidding."

"That's our new pension plan."

'He's making preparations for his elderly care.'

Chasing Pensions

Senior Smart Home: "Sell me and rent an apartment!"

"We're just planning for our retirement."

'Well, Carl...I'm not sure how to say this...but, your 401K is so low, you actually owe us money.'

"It looks like your private pension isn't going to yield as much as we originally anticipated...I'm afraid you'll have to go on collecting nuts for years."

101 Ways to Play the Old-Person Card

'Jeez! I never realized just sitting and trying not to look stupid was so exhausting.'

'I'm having my leaving do now as I'll be too old to party by the time I retire'

"How long is it now to your retirement, Potter?"

'Sure, I had a retirement plan: Stop going to work.'

'That's your retirement plan, to buy a lottery ticket each week?'

I know I don't have much saved up, but I really need to retire before the end of the month.

'What dividend-paying stocks do you recommend to tide me over between student loans and social security?'

'You know you're getting old when your mail fills up with offers for hearing aids and mobility chairs.'

Pension Advisor.

'I figure that if I sell just one, I can retire.'

Old CEO: 'do not resuscitate.'

"I have an announcement to make. Harry has decided to spend more time with his pension."

"Marie has been planning for my retirement for years."

'...I expected a little more than... a sticky toffee with fluff on it.'