Retirement Jokesters Gifts

"Do you have a minute to talk about your retirement years?"

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

I'm taking you off trying to stay young.

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

Hey boss, that generic soap you gave me isn't really cleaning the cups. Mind if I go get some brand name stuff? Are you insane? There's zero difference between generic and brand name products. Corporate America just cons people into thinking "you get what you pay for." Don't be a stooge, Rudy. Don't fall for it. Now get in there and scrub those cups, minion! Strike a blow for the little guy against corporate lies! Wait ... I'm very confused. Are you a right-winger or a left-winger? You mean in w

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

'What, not even a kiss first?'

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

That's no largemouth bass, son - You caught yourself a rare blabbermouth bass. I'm nothin'! A nobody! Throw me back and I'll show you where the really big fish are!

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

"You know darn well my maiden name wasn't Rex. Why do you ask?"

When scientists come out of retirement.

"Yes, but you're a half hour late in dog minutes."

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'

Snail slow to react to an ant's joke.

Robot porn.

'Any idea why your boyfriend is handing out cigars in the pub?'

I'm retired...I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.

Old basketball players never die. . . they just pick and roll.

Junior's switch to electronic chewing tobacco was short-lived.

'3 pints of lager, 2 gin and tonic, 1 vodka and coke and a replacement liver.'

"We try to inject a little humor in our statements, but you should take them seriously."

'What can we do for you?' - 'I need a song removed from my mind.'