Retirement Jokesters Pillows

"Do you have a minute to talk about your retirement years?"

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

I'm taking you off trying to stay young.

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

'What, not even a kiss first?'

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

"Yes, but you're a half hour late in dog minutes."

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'

Robot porn.

I'm retired...I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.

'Any idea why your boyfriend is handing out cigars in the pub?'

"We try to inject a little humor in our statements, but you should take them seriously."

'What can we do for you?' - 'I need a song removed from my mind.'

"Help! I've fallen and my son is a disappointment!"