Retirement Joker Gifts

Act Your Age

Angel wears t-shirt with logo: YOLO.

"Sometimes I wish I could just jump into the dryer and come out wrinkle-free!"

'Cows have bells because their horns don't work.'

'Retirement Training Program'"Very good, Larry! Just one more step and you'll have the entire aisle blocked!"

'So that's agreed, we terrify people with stories about living to a hundred in poverty and hope that makes them drop dead early.'

"He claims to be self aware but he clearly can't read a room."

'I may not have the skills or education for this position, but I do understand the cartoons in the The New Yorker.'

'Lion!'

How do fish get to work?

Old basketball players never die. . . they just pick and roll.

'What about short-term? Where do you see yourself in five minutes?'

"No plans set in stone yet, but I'll probably spend some time getting on my wife's last nerve, maybe hyperfocus on the lawn."

Ideas before their time Telegraph office. You're wasting way too much time using that thing to forward jokes.

"I studied ancient history while I was out sick. I read the magazines in my doctor's office."

'Our retirement plan is state funded. When you retire, we give you a lottery ticket.'

"You think I can be an assistant manager?"

Bear Market

"Even though I wasn't making a big salary, I always saved ten percent of my messages."

'Of course my income didn't really take off until I left tele-marketing and got into insurance fraud.'

'I know I retired just last week, Mr. Hartwell, but could I have my job back? My wife fired me.'

'I've been having an affair with Tiger Woods.'

"Come on, Tom ... get an afterlife, will you?"

Old husband is knitted over by old wife.

'Looks like she's having a bad hare day.'

'O.K...O.K...I won't mention retirement again!'

'And the name of your bank please?'

"Who gets Meals on Wheels?"

Jockey trying to push a horse over a jump.

"When I retired they gave me a gold watch. It stopped working when I did."

'Lawyer, huh? I'm in finance myself!'

'I don't either have to pay a penalty for early withdrawal!'

"I just wanna make sure my teacher is doing her job right."

"Do you have a minute to talk about your retirement years?"

Retirement Presentation - ...try and get a hobby so you won't be calling back to see us.