Retired General Gifts

'You must have misunderstood, dear -- I'm sure they don't sell old generals at government auctions!'

"You're very interesting, for a civilian."

"Your brow is definitely more furrowed than it used to be!"

"Hack back with all you've got!"

"World War III? Hmm. O.K., but, remember, nobody gets hurt."

Old veteran walking in sun casting a giant shadow as a young soldier

Tattoos sagging with time

'He's a retired Drill-Sergeant!'

"I'm retired now - since I sold my 'know when you're naughty or nice' technology to NSA last year."

War Heros Variety Night (playing a tune on his medals).

"Me? A retired canine officer. They let me go when they found out I couldn't smell fear any more."

"Hon, where's the butter?"

General's Coin Toss

"And this one is for being faithful to my wife."

'No. No. Don't bomb them now. Wait until morning, when the birds are singing and the air is alive with a sense of possibility.'

'Let the ball do the work, son.'

"Five minutes, General."

"Don't you think after thirty years of marriage you could stop referring to me as 'the military'?"

"I once loved a parade."

"Our nation hasn't been to war in a hundred years. Where the hell did we get all these medals?"

'I don't want to mention any names, but one of you isn't giving 100% out there.'

'I'm coping.'

General says, 'Gentlemen, no more war. Because of health concerns they've recalled everything that contains lead, like our bullets.'

'General practitoner'

'Geek computer hackers wouldn't have survived a week at MY West Point!'

"It's my draft notice. I need to report for duty June 4, 1965."

Bumper Stickers for Seniors.

Old Man Boot Camp: 'Hoist those trousers up higher...'

"I'm ordering curtains for our neighbor, the Retirement Home for Lawyers Without Briefs."

"He's auditioning for a part in 'Conan The Octagenarian'."

"You could say I'm a war veteran. I'm a retired junior high teacher."

"How long has it been now, Mary, since I've been off the charts?"

Army general taking an eye test using military medals.

Thousands of GPs volunteered to return to NHS

"I hope you've come home with something for your wind."