Retired Army Officer Gifts

"You're very interesting, for a civilian."

'This one's for marrying him, and this one's for raising the kids.'

Kid to mom: 'Tell me again about the time you helped fortress a city, subdue hostile fire and got home and baked us all raspberry strudels.'

Decorated officer - 'And these are for keeping my pants up.'

'You can come down a peg. Mesopotamia gave the world bureaucracy, you know.'

'General, please hire large armies of foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny.'

'Any wilderness skills besides making smores?'

'At ease, soldier.'

'Trust me, you're not going to need an alarm clock.'

Happy Retirement

Family Salutes as Father Comes Home.

"I'm returning home triumphant - do you need me to pick anything up?"

Old veteran walking in sun casting a giant shadow as a young soldier

Tattoos sagging with time

'He's a retired Drill-Sergeant!'

'It's a demonstration by retired CEOs who refuse to give up their bonuses.'

"Did you call for a Medic?"

A Rifle Competition in the North

"I'm retired now - since I sold my 'know when you're naughty or nice' technology to NSA last year."

'Does my bum look big in this?'

'You know the rules, private - no pets!'

'You must have misunderstood, dear -- I'm sure they don't sell old generals at government auctions!'

'Walter isn't truly happy unless he's bombing some country.'

Army Leader: 'We have ways of making you Torque.'

"Tell me when it's all cyber warfare, and I'll enlist!"

Bomb disposal officer sits at desk near workboxes: IN/ ERT.

'I had a good day. Raised everybody's blood pressure.'

'With your permission sir... checkmate.'

At a Country House

"Me? A retired canine officer. They let me go when they found out I couldn't smell fear any more."

'It's been five years since leaving Iraq and I'm still getting the sand out my ears.'

American's Funniest Invasion Strategies.

Psychiatry patient/army officer - 'Terrorism is hell, war is hell, peace is hell, international isolation is hell, defense budgets are hell...'