Retail Radicals Gifts

'That's right...nothing but big chain...'

Hate Platforms

"It was terrifying experience being faced with that kind of compulsive, insane behaviour...I tell you it's positively the last time I put foot in the sales!"

"I found the perfect summer job! 'Greet people at retail store. Company uniform required. Must be able to carry small children.' How hard can that be?"

Pirates at the mall.

Where there's a Mall--There's a Way.

'The difference between the sexes...First Contact...'

"The industry has agreed to take the pensions dashboard off our hands. . ."

Smoke and Mirrors: Harold couldn't work out why his new store wasn't getting any customers.

"I suppose you're wondering why I've summoned you here at 3 AM, minion." "I try not to wonder." "After crunching the numbers, I've determined we'd increase profits by being open 24/7." "We're in the suburbs. Everyone's asleep." "Not true. By being closed at 3 AM, we're missing out on the potentially-lucrative Igor the Wino clientele." "Go to the alley and give Igor a 1-for-the-price-of-2 coupon." "Very bad man."

Brick and Mortar

"Ooh look, the high street's evolved to survive!"

'Hold my purse. I'm going in only to complain.'

'You're out of '50 Great Years of Mindless Consumerism?' How about 'Celebrating America's Shopping Malls?' That one, too?'

"Returns"

Sold It All.

I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp. Really? Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that? They post "reviews" that don't have even a hint of negativity. Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: "House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate."

Hey, Ernie, you're trying on costumes for the Halloween party! No, I'm finding clothes for my job at the store. I need to fit in the Christmas Decorations there. They've been up for weeks. It's too soon! I don't like decorations going up so early! Cupid's another way I could dress for work. The Valentine's Day decorations are going up right now!

"That last customer thinks I should fire you."

'Conglomo Corporation: Proud manufacturer of outrageously useless stuff you apparently can't live without.'

Crazy Ed's Warehouse - body in freezer - "Nobody beats our prices and gets away with it."

"Any chance of some credit?"

"While we do appreciate your diligence... It's not the store's policy to shoot shoplifters!"

Complaints (just kidding).

Sally and her fashionista friends get to me. Save our mall! Ignore them! Let's take your mind off them. Don't even think it! I know. Going shopping would be wring. Does ordering online count.

Wal Max - Complaints Department

"Look's like a dummy run to me!"

'I just asked if you were finding everything alright. I never said I worked here.'

"I made a big mistake getting into ladies underwear..."

'Edward has decided to go green.'

'Good heavens, Margaret, the bailout was for wall street, not for you.'

Abuse or harassment of staff will not be tolerated

"Mind wiping that scanner first? There's no telling whose stuff has been dragged over it."

'As many items as I want or no customer!'

'It's you.'