Restaurant Writer Gifts

"Revelatory, Michael - such airy meatballs."

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"How fresh is the calamari?"

Joe's Kaff for Dinners! And Afters Too!

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

Your lobster was off!

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

Advanced footsie

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'It's my favorite.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

"Your meal sounded nice."

"I can't even remember what we were fighting about."

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"What kind of biscuits are they?"