Restaurant Gossip Guru Gifts

'I'm afraid the Chef's Surprise today is that he ran off with one of the waitresses.'

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

Joe's Kaff for Dinners! And Afters Too!

Advanced footsie

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"What kind of biscuits are they?"

"I can't even remember what we were fighting about."

"I'm very health conscious. I only eat animals that are vegetarians"

"....and hold the garlic."

'Enjoy your meal - but be warned we have a very bad tempered chef.'

'Whatever he's eating.'

"Would the gentleman care for a razor and comb to start?"

Platter confusion.

Waiter: 'I'm not really a waiter, I'm an actor. I'll act like I'm waiting on you.'

"Our cook caught today's special. What makes it so special is that we have no idea what it is. We're coping it's edible."

"Nothing is organic, local or sustainable. Now, can we get started?"

'Can I get a box for this?'

'Hey, I told you this place wasn't easy to get into.'

'You forgot your glasses again, didn't you?'

'How do you guys want your trans fatty acids prepared?'

"Don't panic, she'll be back. We lock the washroom windows from the outside."

"Linguini for two?"

'How do you prepare your chicken?' 'We just tell 'em they're gonna die.'

"Pardon, I should have been more specific...is everything all right with THE MEAL?"

'What if someone says 'everything is not alright'?'

'I thought it was your figure you were supposed to be watching !'

'Maybe that'll teach you not to argue with the waiter over the bill!'

"Who is having the 4 bean salad? Half portion?"

Three Pigs.

"Let me take that for you."