Restaurant Industry Insiders Gifts

'You do realize that's just a giant novelty fork, right? They used to have one in the restaurant where I worked.'

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"How fresh is the calamari?"

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

Your lobster was off!

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'It's my favorite.'

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

Advanced footsie

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"I can't even remember what we were fighting about."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"What kind of biscuits are they?"

"Your meal sounded nice."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

"I'm very health conscious. I only eat animals that are vegetarians"

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

"Can I interest you in a great white?"