Restaurant Life Gifts

'There was a what in your soup?'

A short-order cook gets sucked into the exhaust vent over the grill.

"I'll have what he's having."

Rudy, the sleeping pills you're taking are causing a serious problem. I'm fine. You're half asleep! You can't keep coming to work like this. I'm totally lucid. You served one customer an all-bread sandwich. So? Two pieces of bread with a third slice in the middle! Was the bread not toasted?

"Isn't it enough we tip well? Must we also like him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter?"

Cook au vin

"...I should have seen it coming...The busboys, the waiters, the dishwashers, the maitre d', all stealing shrimp, caviar, lobster, but ah, the strawberries, that's where I had them?"

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

'You complimented the chef on his dumplings -now he wishes to return the compliments!'

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

Comedy Cafe

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"Ten Dollars?! I can't eat that." Bob was on a strict low-cost diet.

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

Joe's Kaff for Dinners! And Afters Too!

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

"The lobster dinner is thirty eight dollars, or for ten dollars extra you can have him returned to the sea."

I love Cannelloni

Advanced footsie

'How is the water prepared?'

'In case of fire, don't panic, pay your bill then run like hell.'

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"I can't even remember what we were fighting about."

"What kind of biscuits are they?"