Restaurant Life Gifts

'There was a what in your soup?'

A short-order cook gets sucked into the exhaust vent over the grill.

"I'll have what he's having."

Cook au vin

"...I should have seen it coming...The busboys, the waiters, the dishwashers, the maitre d', all stealing shrimp, caviar, lobster, but ah, the strawberries, that's where I had them?"

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

'You complimented the chef on his dumplings -now he wishes to return the compliments!'

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

Comedy Cafe

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"Ten Dollars?! I can't eat that." Bob was on a strict low-cost diet.

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

Joe's Kaff for Dinners! And Afters Too!

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

I love Cannelloni

"The lobster dinner is thirty eight dollars, or for ten dollars extra you can have him returned to the sea."

Advanced footsie

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.

'How is the water prepared?'

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"What kind of biscuits are they?"

"I can't even remember what we were fighting about."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

'In case of fire, don't panic, pay your bill then run like hell.'

"I'm very health conscious. I only eat animals that are vegetarians"