Restaurant Writer T-Shirts

"Revelatory, Michael - such airy meatballs."

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"War is hell and so is this soup."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

"How fresh is the calamari?"

Your lobster was off!

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

Joe's Kaff for Dinners! And Afters Too!

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

Advanced footsie

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'It's my favorite.'

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"Your meal sounded nice."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"Darling, you never let me see the side of you that pays."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"I can't even remember what we were fighting about."