Restaurant Industry Buff T-Shirts

"Sorry for the delay. We're working with a skeleton crew."

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

Your lobster was off!

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

"How fresh is the calamari?"

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

Advanced footsie

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.

'It's my favorite.'

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"Your meal sounded nice."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"I can't even remember what we were fighting about."

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"What kind of biscuits are they?"

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

"I'm very health conscious. I only eat animals that are vegetarians"

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'