Restaurant Week Gifts

You can substitute broccoli for the asparagus, but you can't substitute another glass of wine for the fries.

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

Cloud Cuckoo Land, Hamburger bar, "I don't like the look of this Charlie"

"I love this place—its food, its ambience, and its political goals."

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"The fish sticks here are very good."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

'I couldn't stand the heat, so I got out of the kitchen.'

'A cheeky red?'

'You complimented the chef on his dumplings -now he wishes to return the compliments!'

'Before I order breakfast, which way is it to the 'International Bathroom of Pancakes'?'

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

La Table

'I want to make a positive environmental statement - What do you suggest I order?'

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

Kung food restaurant (Waiter flies through the air bringing the food).

'If this is tea, I'll have a coffee. If it's a coffee, I'll have a tea!'

"Umm ... not sure what notes you'll detect on your palate, but it'll get you ripped."

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

Restaurant Francais: All you can pronounce £30.

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

Comedy Cafe

'Sorry, but we're going out for dinner.'