Restaurant Staff Gifts

"I'm allergic to penicillin—is there penicillin in the salad?"

Not in Service

"No, I'm not the waiter. I'm the genetic engineer. How would you like your lamb?"

'I'd like a round table!'

Health and safety at work.

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

"I'm your waiter and a vegetarian. Let's try to do this without anyone getting hurt"

Your Tip So Far

'Would you please ask the people at the other tables to stop coughing.' (smokers)

'Were you trying to attract my attention, Sir?'

"Would you like to hear tonight's specials, or have you already closed yourselves to new experiences?"

"Seat yourself. Grab a menu. Take any table. Hey, you know how to cook?"

"Let's take this one step at a time. First, somebody is going to have to catch the fish."

'Your tomato ketchup is on it's way, Sir...'

"There. Fly problem: solved. You need anything else, or can I go back to my break?"

"Let me guess. You want French and you want ranch?"

"There's no fly in my soup!"

"Soup of the day? Mumbo Jumbo Gumbo."

'We'll start with a menu and a glass of water.'

'Our special tonight is buy two, get one free. Mind if I join you?'

"We're out of flowers."

Sign over washroom sink: All Employees: Wash your hands, wipe that stupid grin off your face.

"Let me see if I have it correctly, sir. To hell with the appetizer. A chopped sirloin that damn well better be rare. No goddam relish tray. Who cares which salad dressing, since they all taste like sludge?"

The chef's special is roast goose with glazed pears, prepared while drinking heavily and lashing out at loved ones.

"... and Catch of the Day for you, sir?"

"A table near the salad bar."

"I don't know what it is either...Let's call it 'Chef's Surprise'."

"You folks ready to order?"

"Of course I'm going to give him a tip - he should take lessons!"

'I started out washing dishes, but when the dishwater tasted better than the soup...'

"Sorry to bother you again but I forgot to ask you to fill out our service evaluation questionnaire."

"Are all of your carcinogens produced locally?"

Things were going smoothly until the waiter offered to place Ralph's napkin for him.

"I'd recommend this."

"Sorry for the wait, but it's been like Grand Central station in here."