Restaurant Staff Gifts

"I'm allergic to penicillin—is there penicillin in the salad?"

Not in Service

"No, I'm not the waiter. I'm the genetic engineer. How would you like your lamb?"

'I'd like a round table!'

Health and safety at work.

"Seat yourself. Grab a menu. Take any table. Hey, you know how to cook?"

"Would you like to hear tonight's specials, or have you already closed yourselves to new experiences?"

Your Tip So Far

'Were you trying to attract my attention, Sir?'

"I'm your waiter and a vegetarian. Let's try to do this without anyone getting hurt"

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

'Would you please ask the people at the other tables to stop coughing.' (smokers)

"Let's take this one step at a time. First, somebody is going to have to catch the fish."

"Let me guess. You want French and you want ranch?"

"We're out of flowers."

"Soup of the day? Mumbo Jumbo Gumbo."

'Your tomato ketchup is on it's way, Sir...'

"There. Fly problem: solved. You need anything else, or can I go back to my break?"

'Our special tonight is buy two, get one free. Mind if I join you?'

'We'll start with a menu and a glass of water.'

'I'll have the steak.' (Fish in tank start jumping for joy).

"Sorry for the wait, but it's been like Grand Central station in here."

"You folks ready to order?"

'‘Because I said so' or ‘Just wait until you have kids of your own' section?'

Sign over washroom sink: All Employees: Wash your hands, wipe that stupid grin off your face.

'Your table is almost ready.'

The chef's special is roast goose with glazed pears, prepared while drinking heavily and lashing out at loved ones.

Things were going smoothly until the waiter offered to place Ralph's napkin for him.

"A table near the salad bar."

"I don't know what it is either...Let's call it 'Chef's Surprise'."

"Let me see if I have it correctly, sir. To hell with the appetizer. A chopped sirloin that damn well better be rare. No goddam relish tray. Who cares which salad dressing, since they all taste like sludge?"

Judging Waiters

Difference between regular and French onion soup? "When I serve the French onion soup, I sneer."

'Waiter, there's no fly in my soup.'

"Are all of your carcinogens produced locally?"