Restaurant Raconteur Gifts

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

"Sparkling, Still, or Gushing?"

Are substitutions permitted? If they were, don't you think I would have substituted another customer for you? Menu.

My name's Troy, and I'll be your server tonight. My name's Fred and I'll be talking way too loudly about my colon. I'm still learning my name, and I'll be screaming for no good reason.

"House red, sir?"

"When I said I wanted a bottle of the house red, I meant ketchup."

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

'I told the waiter who I was.' 'Who were you?.'

"Would you like me to change it for something else, Sir?"

'Hi, I'm Leo. How's the food here?'

Dog orders the food 9 out of 10 dogs prefer.

'We're out of pheasant under glass, M'sieur — is duck soup close enough?'

Road Kill Cafe.

'In a four-star restaurant, one's hat does not fall into the cassoulet de castenaudary. But if ones hat does fall into the cassoulet de castelnaudary, one does not put it back on one's head.'

"I recommend number five if you have only $20 so that you can still leave a tip."

"I'm in a hurry so I'll have what he's having... go take it from him!"

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

'Let's send her a text message; 'You're FIRED!''

'No.... My cat doesn't like being given pills either...'

"I bet you can't name one person who makes a better lengua casserole than me!"

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?" "Sure." "Can you warm this one up? Maybe sprinkle some cinnamon and sugar on it, and maybe make it three biscuits?" "You sure this is for your dog?" "Can you also sprinkle a little turkey on it?"

'..The wolves have got the sheep pinned against their own 1-yard line again!'

'Leader shy and angler wise I can put up with - it's the darn insolence that bothers me.'

'Mmm... the bouquet flickers around the nose like butterflies sweetly scented by the shower from a the milk of a goddesses breasts.'

"Do you have this in an $11.99?"

'Hello, Doc Barnes? I just got your bill. You've just bought yourself a cow.'

Isn't that a surveillance camera?

"You bet I had it mounted, it gave me the best fight of my life."

"Hurry, hurry! When you get back, we'll finish rehashing 1924 and get right on to 1925!"

'Bag? Any vouchers? Like a packer? If you have two of those... What type of apples are these?'

"But you got some good reviews too, yeah?"

Tonight's specials are printed on the side of the barn. ? Bar.

'Mister Nooka, taking over the frozen food division.'

'Sure, the term 'lab rat' has a lot of negative connotations but having drugs tested on you isn't so bad if you're a hypochondriac...'

Harold Was Done Asking Customers About Their Day