Report Card Comedian Gifts

"Mistakes were made."

I'm prepared to admit that you may have startled me a bit, sure!

"I was planning to grow old with Matthew Nelson, but it looks like I'll be growing old with my algebra teacher."

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

'Let's put it this way Tommy, if we could go below F minus you would be forging new territory!'

'I reckon we have grounds for a libel action, don't you?.'

Man in Therapist office sees a sign: Therapy Is Expensive Bubble Wrap Is Cheap You Decide

'This will be tough. The parents can handle Bs and Cs, but I really gotta spin this D in math.'

'Our tabby was pre-approved for a credit card!'

'Harold, I told you to take out the trash!'

'I figured if 1 is good for milk, why not schoolwork, too?'

"You sure you don't want any Pi?"

'What makes me mad, I was only a couple seats away from all the right answers!'

'Can I help it if she's a rotten teacher?'

". . . and that dumb Mrs. Parker could have figured I had the Ace, King and Jack, but no, she goes ahead bidding in hearts. . ."

'I'm bright enough. I just don't have the right connections.'

Pavlov's dog eats Schrodinger's cat.

"That's right, Robert. Santa sends us a copy of his naughty and nice list, and we send him our students' grades."

"So what is the consulting that you got an 'A' for?"

"Your school report is brilliant! It's going straight into the fireproof box for safe keeping..."

Budget Opticians.

Parent/Teacher conjugation

'D-plus? -- I demand a recount!'

'You could give it to your mom with a huge Valentine card.'

'D-plus? -- I demand a recount!'

"As an artist, it's my job to capture the beauty and triumphs of everyday life."

80 Million Euros for a football player.

"My teacher forgot to congratulate me on my great math grade. She was too busy calling Ripley's Believe It Or Not."

"Mom, don't believe it. It's Fake News."

"Do you take MasterCard?"

'I'm afraid the Christmas party has been cancelled on cost grounds...but the good news is that the boss has said you can still come in and photocopy your bottoms!'

"I got a no TV for a week in math, a no dessert for a month in history, and a just wait 'til your father gets home in social studies."