Reluctant Socializer Pillows

"I know you always look forward to these business events."

"He didn't really want to come out tonight"

"I got tired of 'Moby-Dick' taunting me from my bookshelf, so I put it on my Kindle and haven't thought of it since."

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

'Thanks for the invitation, but I can never seem to find the energy to party...'

"Homework! Homework! Homework! I'll be doing this for hours! Talk about a misspent youth."

Desk boxes: 'In', 'Out', and 'What ever'.

'Studies show that most boys my age don't like to read. Who am I to tamper with statistics?'

'Liquor will solve this problem, chief!'

Hot flashes

'As long as I stand here I'm safe. . . no stress. . . no pressure. . . no need to impress. . . I can just relax and be who I am. . .'

“Okay, Cindy, don’t think of it as learning ... think of it as a software upgrade!”

"When I hear the word mathematics I immediately think of three things. Boring and useless."

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this damn committee.'

"Go join your coach and the rest of your team. I'll be watching from the bar."

"You're going to the Partner's Social whether you like it or not!"

Back to school anchor

"I have to write a book report for school. . . do you have any books with lots of pictures?"

"She stood me up. I hosed off my Crocs for nothing."

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this committee.'

'Who cares where Waldo is?'

Summer Reading

Man Readig Paper

'I couldn't decide what to wear to work so I just didn't go.'

He's shy. I always have to drag him to these things, kicking and screaming.

"Do I love myself or is it lust?"

'Living together might work out, Randy, but I could never comply with a whole MARRIAGE!'

"We just weren't compatible.Her body-clock was telling her to settle down and have kids,and mine was telling me that the pub was open."

"For Christ's sake, Bob, tuck your shirt in."

"Frank's trying to outreach to people who only come to the library to use the washroom!"

"I didn't hear Bill Clinton say it was time for me to change."

"So I take it you won't be going to the staff Christmas party!"

Armstrong, I've worked here for a long time and I think I deserve a raise. How about it? I'll give you an Indian Ocean raise, minion. How does an Indian Ocean raise of $2 an hour sound? Fun fact: The Indiana Ocean's on the opposite side of the world, so its "up" is our "down." I don't think that's how "up" works, boss. "Relativity" is just a theory.

"I really should call my mother — I just don’t want to talk to her."

"We are looking for volunteers to give up their seats and not attend some college friend's wedding in Chicago."