Reluctant Socializers Pillows

"We are looking for volunteers to give up their seats and not attend some college friend's wedding in Chicago."

"I got tired of 'Moby-Dick' taunting me from my bookshelf, so I put it on my Kindle and haven't thought of it since."

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

"Homework! Homework! Homework! I'll be doing this for hours! Talk about a misspent youth."

"You don't get a lot of work done, Jenkins, but I admire how thoroughly unstressed you are."

Desk boxes: 'In', 'Out', and 'What ever'.

'Studies show that most boys my age don't like to read. Who am I to tamper with statistics?'

Stop staring at that screen saver!

"When I hear the word mathematics I immediately think of three things. Boring and useless."

'Liquor will solve this problem, chief!'

“Okay, Cindy, don’t think of it as learning ... think of it as a software upgrade!”

'As long as I stand here I'm safe. . . no stress. . . no pressure. . . no need to impress. . . I can just relax and be who I am. . .'

Hot flashes

"I have to write a book report for school. . . do you have any books with lots of pictures?"

"Go join your coach and the rest of your team. I'll be watching from the bar."

"You're going to the Partner's Social whether you like it or not!"

Back to school anchor

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this committee.'

"The boss is on a working vacation and we're on a nonworking vacation."

Summer Reading

'I couldn't decide what to wear to work so I just didn't go.'

'Who cares where Waldo is?'

Man Readig Paper

He's shy. I always have to drag him to these things, kicking and screaming.

"For Christ's sake, Bob, tuck your shirt in."

We're actually looking for someone who just wants to get out of the house.

"Frank's trying to outreach to people who only come to the library to use the washroom!"

"We just weren't compatible.Her body-clock was telling her to settle down and have kids,and mine was telling me that the pub was open."

"I'm bringing litigation against everyone who is responsible for my overly demanding socialization."

'Do we have to stop?... I was hoping to forget about education for a while.'

Armstrong, I've worked here for a long time and I think I deserve a raise. How about it? I'll give you an Indian Ocean raise, minion. How does an Indian Ocean raise of $2 an hour sound? Fun fact: The Indiana Ocean's on the opposite side of the world, so its "up" is our "down." I don't think that's how "up" works, boss. "Relativity" is just a theory.

'I'm sorry darling. I'm not very good company tonight.'

Knowing that he was holding yesterday's 7 million lottery ticket,,,

"I didn't hear Bill Clinton say it was time for me to change."

I start teaching summer school next week...