Relativity Rookie Gifts

Einstein's Theory of Relativity For Dummies

'I love your playing....especially when you stop!'

Einstein develops his theories that time is relative while ordering at a fast food restaurant.

"Notice how Dad ages faster at relativistic speeds?"

'So much for Newton. Now, as for Einstein...'

'Should I try a three point turn?' - 'Better not, we only have 30 minutes left.'

I've got a new theory, Randy, and it's going to shock the world. Why? Because it's pretty much irrefutable. You know how when you're in the bathroom, it feels like five minutes have passed … but to those waiting to use it, it feels like forever? Yes … And you know how when you're at the event horizon of a black hole, five minutes to you actually is forever to the rest of the universe? ... I think we'd better alert Neil Degrasse Tyson. I call it the Time Toilation Theory.

'You mean they don't come with an instruction manual?'

'Penny for them, Albert.'

"Since you're a computer geek, I suggest lifting the box the weights came in."

'I decided it was time to be more active when my wife started dusting me twice a week.'

Retireee sits at desk on beach

"So...have you ever kissed a girl before?"

Einstein's in and out trays: InOutRelative.

'Space is curved and time is relative, eh? -- Is this your way of asking for a day off?'

Relativity explained; the woman on the train will always appear more attractive than the woman on the platform.

'You, of all people, violating the speed limit!'

'There are only two things stopping you from being a good dancer, Mr. Jones. Your feet!'

'Yes, this is my first time at speed dating. Is it that obvious?'

"Our funding has gone into a black hole."

"How'd you know I was from New York?"

"Hey, not bad! You sound like a real couple already!"

"He's quick with the birds and the bees stuff, but then comes the bulls and the bears. . ."

"I'll kiss you later. Catch! I meant catch you later!"

'They've got $5 tables everywhere here. Where do you feel the luckiest?'

"So, is this your very first visit to a massage therapist?"

To an observer approaching the speed of light, Einstein and his surroundings appear to be tall and thin.

Well, maybe you can find a do-it-yourself Youtube video showing a husband taking the clothes to the laundromat.

'Son, you just got your first credit card and you're going on a date. My advice: keep it in your pants.'

"Not only do we not know how to turn it off, we also don't know how to dispose of it when it burns out."

'This is too complicated. I think I'll just hold on to my waste and hope it eventually disintegrates.'

"Hey, Siri. Remind me why I married a man who couldn’t find his way out of our driveway."

"Baldo, a young man like you might have a lot of questions...about feelings, emotions...not knowing what is right and wrong. Remember, mi'jo...I'm here if you need me."

"Look lady, try and get it straight. It's tin cans, glass bottles or newspapers!"

"Are we there yet?"