Relationship Rookie Gifts

'Sorry, it's not programmed to find you a date.'

"Hey, not bad! You sound like a real couple already!"

"Baldo, a young man like you might have a lot of questions...about feelings, emotions...not knowing what is right and wrong. Remember, mi'jo...I'm here if you need me."

"So...have you ever kissed a girl before?"

"They met in the express-checkout lane at the A.&P. and have slowed down only occasionally ever since."

'Your place or mine?'

Einstein's Theory of Relativity For Dummies

It's my biggest project - a database of all my sister's boyfriends.

"Our online romance needs fresh start. I think it's time to hit 'ctrl', 'alt', 'delete'."

'He's narrating it, I just know it.'

'Thou shall not covet the neighbours same sex partner.'

Dating the efficiency expert.

"Lets watch a martial arts movie."

'Should I try a three point turn?' - 'Better not, we only have 30 minutes left.'

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

'One question, Vicar. Is it bad luck to invite any of the other people we're sleeping with?'

'And you must be Hank, my husband's new business partner!'

"Smiley, where will we be in 10 years?"

Bird Cage Cover over Wife's Head

DATING FOR NON-DUMMIES

Too Weird to Have a Husband

'I thought Lobsters mate for life.'

Church Drive-Thru.

'I think it's fair to say we're opposed to tame sex marriage.'

"Of course he hasn't called - you bit off his head."

'This is our last date, Harry. I think I should see other weirdos.'

'I'm sorry, Jerome. Instead of marriage and having kids, I've decided just to have myself cloned.'

'Yes, this is my first time at speed dating. Is it that obvious?'

"In a world of beefcake, I'm dating tofu."

'Aaaawww...You're cute when you are wrong.'

"And what's the nature of today's visit?"

"I brought Tom home to my parents and left him there."

"Surely not zero tolerance?"

"He sounds like a papaya I bought that just went straight from green to rotten."

'Surprised she's getting married again. In lieu of wedding gifts, she's asking for donations to help retain a divorce lawyer.'