Relationship Joke Enthusiasts Pillows

"Not tonight, Hon—I'm trying to cut down."

"My wife's career is in ruins... She's an archaeologist!"

Life is for the birds.

Einstein's T-Shirt reads: My Wife Doesn't Understand Me.

"First date hairball... awkward."

Hello. I'm Ferdinand. I'll be monitoring the levels of bull at your table this evening. Menu. Menu.

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

You were warned about mixed marriages.

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

"You're hogging the covers again!"

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

'Adam, you left the toilet rock up again!'

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

"Open a wine that will make me want to watch the shows you want to watch."

"It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. Is there anything we'd like to know about the Presidency?"

"You don't sniff my butt anymore."

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

'Admit it, you've been laughing behind my back ever since 1957 when we went in that hall of mirrors in Skegness!'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

"A word of advice, sir...when your wife reaches for another slice of pizza, never, ever say, 'Are you sure you should be eating that?'"

'They were all out of roses.'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

'Could you scoot your chair over this way a little dear?'

'Roger, you're just a Rooster and I'm just a Hen. Is all of this necessary?'

"Trust me. It's no big deal. I'm even tuning you out right now."

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

Still Lives: 'What's wrong, don't you love me anymore?'

One cheese omelette, and I've never cheated on my husband. Um, okay. Anything else? A side of hash browns for this one-man woman! And a chocolate as hot and sweet as my intensely singular love for this phenomenal guy. Chuck? Yes dear? I've been having an affair for the last six months. Oh don't act surprised. One scone, and what the @#$% just happened? The denial and snacks before the storm.

'His ego needs lipo suction!'

"Well that's the last of our offspring gone - let battle commence."