Relationship Joke Enthusiast Pillows

"Could be just a coincidence, but that whining noise seems to stop when your husband gets out of the car."

Einstein's T-Shirt reads: My Wife Doesn't Understand Me.

"First date hairball... awkward."

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

You were warned about mixed marriages.

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

"You're hogging the covers again!"

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

'Adam, you left the toilet rock up again!'

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

"Open a wine that will make me want to watch the shows you want to watch."

"It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. Is there anything we'd like to know about the Presidency?"

"You don't sniff my butt anymore."

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

'Admit it, you've been laughing behind my back ever since 1957 when we went in that hall of mirrors in Skegness!'

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

'They were all out of roses.'

"A word of advice, sir...when your wife reaches for another slice of pizza, never, ever say, 'Are you sure you should be eating that?'"

'His ego needs lipo suction!'

One cheese omelette, and I've never cheated on my husband. Um, okay. Anything else? A side of hash browns for this one-man woman! And a chocolate as hot and sweet as my intensely singular love for this phenomenal guy. Chuck? Yes dear? I've been having an affair for the last six months. Oh don't act surprised. One scone, and what the @#$% just happened? The denial and snacks before the storm.

"Trust me. It's no big deal. I'm even tuning you out right now."

'Roger, you're just a Rooster and I'm just a Hen. Is all of this necessary?'

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'He's wearing a toupee.'

Still Lives: 'What's wrong, don't you love me anymore?'

'I knew you were mad when I found nettles in my fig leaf drawer.'

What do I want out of our relationship? Same thing anyone wants. Good value.

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

'I used to think it was her red dress, but I've discovered I find your mother irritating in any color.'