Relationship Advice Junkie Pillows

"Usually I'd be nervous, but the rest of his apartment is so nice."

Thinking about his ex usually drove Wilbur to the hard stuff....

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

'So tell me why you think you're suffering from seasonal ineffective disorder.'

'You know too much!'

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

WHO checklist

"If you don't stop saying 'This whole game is a charade!' we're going home."

"It will be all your fault."

(Diamonds shining, … Dancing, dining, …with some man in a restaurant. Is that all you really want?) (Are you making this up?) (Unsophisticated Lady)

Preying mantis marriage councellor.

"I'm not against going to couples therapy, but it feels weird to do it on a first date."

Snow White and her husband go for counselling.

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

'Our relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for you!'

A Reasonable Time for Concern

'How long have you been fighting?'

'Oh, we don't keep score in our marriage, Dr. Downs, but if we did, I'd be winning 212 to 137.'

"I didn't mean your day wasn't hard, too."

'You've got Mr & Mrs Smith at 2.00, Mr & Mrs Jones at 2.30, and at 3.00 your wife has made an appointment with a Divorce Lawyer!'

"See how controlling he is?!"

'I see you both texted that you never talk.'

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'